Love.

"Love is a chemical process which causes delusion."

A Conversation

I recently had a conversation with someone and asked this person, “Why do you choose to be with the person you are with? There must be a reason, right?”

He answered, “I don’t really know. Emotions are hard to put into words.”

I sat for a while and thought about this unsatisfying answer. I have to disagree. If a person is unable to verbally express why it is they are pursuing a romantic relationship with another person then it seems to follow that there aren’t really any good reasons. This person has not fully thought out which specific values they desire in a partner and blindly enters into any relationship that “feels” right.

I realize that some people are not good with words but something as important as a romantic relationship warrants at least an attempt.

It made me reflect for a minute which values and qualities I desire in a man. I compiled a short (but not nearly exhaustive) list of things I want in a partner/relationship:

Trust

Honesty

Monogamy

Funny

Intellectual

Content

Satisfied

Goal-oriented

I realize that this represents the ideal man/relationship and that (unable to avoid being too cliché) not everyone is perfect. Not to say I embody all of these things, either, but that these are the things I strive to be and so should the person I choose to be with. There are (or at least should be) reasons why a person has the emotions that they do.

When confronted with the proposition that it just “feels” right and there are no reasons behind that feeling, a person should question what the motives of that individual are. Many times the emotions of being with another person are masked by a feeling of not wanting to be alone. Fear guides this person into whatever relationship is comfortable and once the “honeymoon phase” ends then there is nothing left to support the relationship.

The decision to be with another person must have reasons based on what this person values and not based simply on a “feeling.”

Fidelity

I’ve always held myself atop a pedestal in regards to the typical gay relationship. I always seriously consider the man I choose to be with. There is one thing that I hold superior to all else when it comes to a relationship - fidelity. I have never and will never cheat on my boyfriend. Monogamy is a trait I highly value and to be accused of not staying true to my man pangs my inner most being. It always hurts to be accused of something you didn’t do but in regards to something you value so highly it hurts in a way that can not be described. It is this indescribable feeling that I am experiencing tonight.

Several weeks ago I was talking to a friend of mine and made the comment that I have never cheated on any of my boyfriends to which he replied, “Really? I’ve cheated on ALL of mine.” Staying faithful to my boyfriend has never been difficult for me. When I find someone that I deeply care about I never feel the need to seek sexual gratification with another man. I fully commit myself to this individual and to the relationship. I choose to be with him and only him, not out of obligation but out of pleasure.

“A hundred times I wanted to kill myself, but still I loved life. This ridiculous weakness for living is perhaps one of our most fatal tendencies. For can anything be silier than to insist on carrying a burden one would continually much rather throw to the ground? Sillier than to feel disgust at one’s own existence and yet cling to it? Sillier, in short, than to clasp to our heart?”

“‘I’m afraid to say,’ said Candide, ‘that it’s a mania for insisting that all is well when things are going badly.’”

- Quotes from Candide

Lessons of Love

Tonight I was thinking back on past relationships. And I’ve had some really great ones, in fact, all of my past relationships (and by relationships I am talking about when you feel like this is the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with) were really great….sure, there were rough times but rough times accompany every aspect of life.

And so, I thought I would share some of the many things I have learned from them…

If it didn’t work out the first time, then more often than not it won’t work out the second time for the exact same reasons it didn’t work out the first time.

Don’t be too proud to listen and learn.

Once trust is gone from a relationship, it will cease to be what it was before. You might say you trust this person again but there is always that small sliver of doubt in your mind.

If you love someone, never be afraid to say it.

In the very beginning you know. There is always something that tells you that this is the one. Without even fully knowing this person you know that he is meant for you.

Don’t try to be someone you’re not. Losing yourself in order to gain a boyfriend is the worst kind of self-mutilation.

The feeling you get when you’re in love has no equal.